Friday, November 8, 2013

Build-a-Boner Cake Tutorial


I firmly believe everyone should know how to make a quick penis cake. 

Heh. Firmly.

Pretty much appropriate for any occasion, right? Bachelorette party? Duh. Baby shower? A penis most likely was involved in the baby-making, so yes. Quitting your job? Tell them to eat a dick and hand them this cake.

See? SO VERSATILE. And it's totally easy!

You will need:
Eight cupcakes, day-old/refrigerated overnight
Dick-worthy plate for display
Bowl for collecting cake scraps
Parchment paper to cover work surface
Three bamboo skewers
Pen or marker
Serrated knife
Flesh colored buttercream frosting
Piping bag
Flat decorator tip (I used Wilton 150. You could use Wilton 125 for a large cake.)
Icing knife/spatula/whatever you call it
Glass of hot water
Paper towel or dish towel
Small square of wax paper (2"x2")
Brown sprinkles

Soft, fresh cupcakes make this difficult to sculpt. Day-old cupcakes that have lost some moisture work really well and stand up to the serrated knife without falling apart. Really, the cake is more for show than it is for taste, so don't stress out too much over using not-so-fresh cupcakes. Cupcakes with a flatter top will make it a little easier, but round ones will work, too.

Ready? Let's make a vegan penis cake! I used eight standard-size cupcakes; five for the shaft, two for the balls, and one for the head. You could try it with mini cupcakes, or bake a cake and use a large circle cookie cutter to make a penis with some girth.

If your cupcakes are really round, use the serrated knife to shave down the domes to just a little above the cupcake paper, so they have flat tops. They'll be easier to stack this way. 

Peel the papers off your cupcakes and place the cupcakes top down on your parchment paper. Place three cupcakes in a triangle in the center of your plate, again with the tops down. These will be your balls and the base of your shaft. If your cupcakes aren't all the same size, pick two that are close to being the same and use those for the balls. 



Place the shaft base cupcake back on your parchment, top down, and use the serrated knife to cut it into a cylinder the diameter of the base (the upward-facing part). Once it's nice and cylindrical, he can go back to hang out with his testicle friends.



Out of the five remaining cupcakes, choose a nicely shaped one to use as the head and set it aside. Carve the remaining four cupcakes into cylinders like you did with the base. Remember to save the scraps from carving. We'll use these to fill in the scrotal area.

Finally, make the head. Keeping the cupcake top-down on the parchment, shave the edges of the upward-facing part into a nicely rounded dome. I was going for a cartoonish look with this penis. If you want to get really serious, you can make yours look more anatomically correct. 

From there, stack your four cylinders on top of the base piece. Add the head. If your wiener is wobbly, you might have to hold onto it with one hand while you measure your skewers. 

I love that I just used the phrase 'if your wiener is wobbly.'



Stick two skewers into the penis pointy side down, and use your pen to make a mark on the skewers at the top of the stack of cupcakes. You'll want them to be a tiny bit shorter than your penis so they don't stick out, so break the extra inches off just below your pen mark. 



Stick them back into the shaft, pointy end first, leaving a little room between them. These will provide support for your little guy. You might have to rearrange them a couple times before things feel structurally sound. Sometimes putting the skewers in at a slight angle helps.

To add a little additional support, poke a skewer horizontally through each testicle and into the penis, measuring it like you did for the vertical support. Break it off and stick it in. Ha.



Now, for the balls. Don't worry about turning these into cylinders. Just use your handy serrated knife to round the edges of the testicular cupcakes. Once they're nice and rounded, use the scraps from all the carving you've done and fill in the areas between the nuts and the base, like I did in the photos below.



Pack those crumbs in there nice and tight.



Now you're ready to cover your penis in frosting! 

(Let's all take a moment to think about penises covered in frosting, shall we? Yes, yes, we shall. Yum.)

Ahem. Back to the tutorial.

I made a standard vegan buttercream and used a bit of cocoa powder and a few pinches of turmeric to naturally give the frosting a nice fleshy color. I usually just wing it when I make frosting, using 1/2 cup each of soy-free Earth Balance and a vegetable shortening, then adding a splash of vanilla, tiny pinch of salt, and dumping in powdered sugar until it's the right consistency and tastes good. I'll measure it out next time I make it so I can add it to this post. 

Ready to frost? Let's go!



Spread an even layer of frosting over the shaft and head, one section at a time, and smooth with a spatula. Once these areas are frosted, place the cake in the refrigerator to let the frosting set for 20-30 minutes. 

When the frosting is dry to the touch, fill a glass with HOT water, grab a dishrag or paper towel, and have your little square of wax paper ready. Dip the spatula in the water, dry it on the rag, and smooth small sections of the frosting through the wax paper until you're happy with the smoothness of your penis.

Finally, frost the cake's scrotum. Don't worry about smoothing this part. When was the last time you saw smooth balls? Add sprinkle pubes to the balls as soon as you frost them, otherwise they won't stick and your cake will look prepubescent. No thanks. If you wait too long to add the sprinkles, just slap another layer of frosting on the balls and add the sprinkles immediately.




That's it! What are you waiting for? Go bake some cupcakes so you can do this tomorrow! And if you do it, I would absolutely love to see your penis! Cake dicks for everyone!

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